Balance

I am walking the same path that many bloggers have faced… a lull. An absence. A gap. A disappearance. After my first months at this journey of regular writing, I have learned:

a)      That I enjoy writing very much

b)      That it takes time

c)       That I have to let things go to add in the new things

I have a busy practice, a daughter, a farm, a travel schedule, and 30 employees who work with me and call for my time and attention. Thanks to my role as business owner (who wears many hats!), a mom, and a partner, life can get pretty complicated.

Just today, for instance, I led a staff meeting, worked out a plan for our new website and new server, guided a lactation case review with a high degree of medical complexity, gave professional guidance to two practitioners, supported several clients, and set up my new iPad. In the midst of all that, I finished and delivered a gingerbread house that my daughter and I created for an upcoming competition, made a sign for the event, frosted cupcakes for her birthday, and cleaned up after a destructive puppy. (Then I wondered if a group of 10-year olds would really care about cleanliness of my house as we got ready for my daughter’s slumber party.) Then, in my spare time, I had a disagreement with my partner and a philosophical discussion with my daughter about ego and the pendulum of thinking too little of herself or too much of herself.

I was thinking about the mayhem of my day after a conversation I had with a client, who is a new mom. She sobbed through our conversation. She has a mood disorder, a 6-week-old baby, a mother who recently had a stroke and lives across the country, and who just moved into her new home a week ago. She kept saying that she didn’t understand why she felt so badly. There was a period of time where she felt more herself after responding to some medications, but now she was fearful that this feeling of being so overwhelmed meant a nosedive in her progress toward wellness. She repeatedly told me that other mothers seem to be able to handle life so much better.

It all got me wondering: How is it that we come to have such high and unrealistic expectations? And how do we figure out what to give up, and what to bring in? How can we help our ego fall away, and how do we find that peace that comes with allowing ourselves to just “be”? How can we learn how to simply be our expansive, acceptable selves?

When I spend time writing, I enjoy the flow of it. But, I also recognize that in order to continue my writing practice, I needed to find a greater sense of balance in my life that allowed for creativity, curiosity and connection both within myself and with others. I needed a pause. I needed to find time.

I’m pleased to say that in this gap, this pause, I worked to focus on the infrastructure that would allow me more time. I hired some new and wonderful folks into my organization. I’m learning every day how to better delegate. I’m also learning how to more skillfully accept my limitations and to see through my habits of believing that if I do more, I am worth more.

In these months I spent more time with my family, more time in meditation. I’m learning to nurture a sense of joy rather than duty. I am shifting to accept that if it feels good, I should do more of it. And as I work on rearranging my life, I strive to create the space for more of what I love and practicing the skill of being present for it all.

Finding the space we need to nurture ourselves is never easy. In fact, it’s a moving target for most of us, most of the time. But, understanding the choices we make, the beliefs we hold, and making our “authentic self” a priority, we can find the space we need to find our balance.

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